Written on 22nd Feb, 2018 in Reflections
A friend of mine from high school has recently approached me shortly after reading through my blog with a couple of remarks and questions. And she was right in one thing, that I mostly write about too many things that had been done to me instead of focusing on things I have done myself.
And I agree. In my eyes, I have always been observing myself a victim of actions of other people rather than one that has the power to act and change that. Unfortunately, it is not just that I did feel out of control of my life for most of my childhood and kept losing the courage to react. Or it might be my mental disorder, which if not anything else just does not help whatever is already going on, or trying to go on for that matter. But somehow, I always had courage to deal with one thing many others find difficult, that is openly disliking others, or doorslamming those I may like but who, despite their best knowledge, had been really only making my life harder.
And it is that one thing that helped me sort of get over a lot of issues I had in interpersonal relationship and eventually come at the conclusion that victimizing myself just doesn't make any sense. And that despite I may love you, you have no place in my life as long as you hurt me in some way. You may perceive that as my selfishness but it really is just my defense against some kind of your behavior interfering with my values or wellbeing or ideals or something.
And when it runs to the point where I have run out of compromises to make, I act by slamming the imaginary door, so typical for the INFJ I am. One minute, you are still my crush or my ex or my closest friend or the person I often hang out with. The next, you don't exist anymore. And I know it is harsh, but what would be far harsher is letting it go on, fighting myself on the inside and then commencing to despise and hate you and run away from you by intentionally causing all the pain I accumulated over the years in 30 seconds. And you don't want that. I don't want that. Because I still want to remember the good times we have had.
It might hurt you at first. I may have been one of the key people in your life. The one who would be there to listen when nobody else was. The one who helped you when you struggled, made you smile, supported your self-confidence and gave you constructive criticism when you needed it. And despite you may have shown appreciation of it and returned these favors in one or other way that all balanced it, you may have done something that triggered a red flag of such dimension that it became more of a red curtain.
Like in theatre when the play seems to be in the middle, with so many questions still to answer, when it suddenly drops and you just sit there staring blankly not having a clue what the heck happened. Then it is up to you to seek the answers and look for the hints. Because if you want to find out "Why?!" and better yourself for the future, you have to do it yourself. Because the play still has a morale, just hidden somwhere you cannot really see it.
Hazel Grace in The Fault in Our Stars had faced such a story and devoted a lot of time to find out what happened to the protagonist of fictional book named The Imperial Affliction, despite her terminal illness. [SPOILER ALERT] And despite trying to reach out to the author of the book and travelling long journey to meet him, ending up being disappointed by his behavior and lack of any answer from him whatsoever, she actually found the answer to her question herself, in the process. She found Agustus Waters and with him their own little infinity. [SPOILER END]Just like it had been with Anna from Imperial Affliction. Just like Anne Frank seemed to have her infinity despite the cruel destiny she was to face.
And this is a playlist with one or two songs to remind me of each of those I doorslammed. To remember the little infinity we had, despite the end it had to have.